Since the release of the video/audio of Donald talking with Billy Bush and bragging about sexually assaulting women, I have had an enjoyable time watching his supporters squirm while trying to excuse his inexcusable actions… All while defending their decision to still give him their votes. I have compiled some of the most popular excuses I’ve come across:
10) “She was asking for it.” Seriously though, did you see that dress? Besides, Melania said it was alright…
9) “At least he tells it like it is.” Unlike Hillary Clinton, that lying whore… It’s way better to be OPEN about being an awful person than it is to be a person who FAKES caring about kids as she tirelessly spends 40 years of her life falsely working in public service.
8) “Bill Clinton said a lot worse than that.” I know this one works, because my kids do it all the time. Me: “Son, why did you call your sister an idiot?” Son: “Bill Clinton called her a lot worse than that!” Works every time…
7) “That was a long time ago.” He was young and immature. What’s that? He was married to his third wife at the time, and already a 59 year old grandfather? Yeah, but eMails, and a private server, and [trails off, muttering something about a Blackberry]…
6) “If God didn’t want us grabbing women by the pussy, why did he shaped them to be so grabbable?” Blame God, not Donald. Actually, little known fact: The handle to the bathroom door in his master bedroom is solid gold woman’s vagina… I’m kidding, I’m kidding… It’s actually gold plated.
5) “We’re not electing a Pastor-In-Chief.” It seems this policy has changed since folks were making a case against voting for Barack Obama… Plus, ABORTION!
4) “Quit being so Politically Correct.” Political correctness is literally killing this country!
3) “Oh right… Like YOU never bragged to Billy Bush about being able to grab a woman by her pussy.” Come on, we’ve all been there…
2) “BENGHAZI!!!!” Someday in the future, when misled extremists on the “Christian Right” detonate their suicide vests, they will yell this word, unaware that Secretary Clinton was investigated almost 10 times (at great expense) over what happened in Benghazi, and yet the republican commissions who investigated found no wrongdoing whatsoever for her.
1) “That was before he was saved.” Also, didn’t Jesus say a little something about “the person who is without sin being one to cast the first stone?” Checkmate, bitches…
So there they are: The Top 10 Excuses for Donald’s latest embarrassment (by the way, I’ve decided to refer to him simply as “Donald.” He is nothing more than a fake last name, so “Donald” it is). Don’t worry, I’m sure people will have another chance to use these excuses over the next month or so… Whenever he says yet another thing that embarrasses our country around the world, and confuses the citizens of other countries as to why this buffoon even has a POSSIBILITY of winning the presidency. Listen, I don’t want to spend too much time defending Donald’s words. In the interest of equal time, here are Robert De Niro’s thoughts on the guy. **Spoiler Alert: He’s not a big fan.
https://video.vice.com/en_us/embed/57f835027a5f594018877374
I told myself I was only going to write a quick list and then go to bed, but I feel like I really need to say this last part:
The truly gross thing is not that he said the things he said… The REALLY gross part is that–for many of you–THIS is what it took for you to speak up and finally say this guy is a sleaze ball who does not deserve to be president. He’s been saying this shit all along… He’s just been saying it about people you don’t know. You didn’t feel compelled to speak up when he characterized Mexicans as rapists and criminals, and blamed them for our country’s economic woes? You didn’t feel compelled to speak up when he offered to pay the legal fees for people who beat up BlackLivesMatter protesters, or refused people entry to his rallies simply because they were black? You didn’t feel compelled to speak up when he suggesting killing the families of terrorists and suggesting keeping all Muslims out of the country?
It was just “Locker Room Talk,” and he’s “sorry if you were offended.” Not sorry that he said it, mind you… Sorry if YOU were offended.
And now some people are all “I’ve got a mother,” “I’ve got a sister,” etc… Do you not know any Hispanics? Do you not know any black folks whose faces you can imagine his words affecting? Do you not have Muslim friends who you could imagine being kept out of America because of their religion? But NOW you’re mad?!? It shouldn’t take these “That could be my daughter/sister/mother” revelations in order for people to care enough to speak up. It wasn’t him talking about dating his daughter, it wasn’t him alluding to the size of his penis during a presidential debate, it wasn’t him accusing Obama of not being a “real citizen,” or any of the thousands of other horrible things he’s said. The fact that it took an audio recording of him bragging about sexually assaulting women, going after a married woman, and being able to grab a woman by her pussy if he wanted… If this was the level of grossness you had to see coming from Donald–the “straw that broke the camel’s back” of your conscience, if you will–then you’ve got yourself one truly messed up camel.
But I suppose better late than never…
“What can I say? I am who I am…”
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