For The Christians Upset About The Super Bowl Halftime Show…

I know, I know… There was a lot of skin during the halftime show. A lot of belly dancing. A lot of booty shaking. A lot of hips not lying. A lot of gyrating and pole dancing. And yes, we get it: Your kids were watching, and “WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN!?!”  and all that. We are all going to have to wash our eyes out with holy water…

It should be noted that there were no untruths told by any of the hips on that stage tonight.

I am not the sort of person who hears that the halftime entertainment is going to be Shakira and Jennifer Lopez and thinks, “Oh good!” I’m not a real big fan of either of them, to be honest. When I heard those were the acts, I said, “I’m expecting it’s going to be about 30% music, and 70% outfits.” And I realize some folks are into that, but it’s just not me. So I wasn’t very excited coming into it. Plus, I’m still a little bit pissed about Shakira stealing my idea for her song “My Hips Don’t Lie,” because I had that same basic idea for a song while I was in college…

A lot of people thought it was just epic. I didn’t. It was alright. I thought it was just kind of “Meh.” But the REASON I wasn’t that impressed had nothing to do with the skimpiness of the outfits or the thrustiness of the dance moves. It just wasn’t my thing…

But I’ve got to tell you, seeing all the hand wringing and tsk tsking coming from Christians on social media has got me a bit riled up. I get that everyone knows it’s coming — It’s so boringly predictable that the Purity Culture crowd is going to get up in arms at the sight of some skin on the Super Bowl. There were people lamenting how stuff like this leads to the objectification of women… which leads to porn… which leads to human trafficking… which I guess leads to the worst result: DANCING! There were people piously patting themselves on the back for turning the channel in anticipation of the debauchery. It was all very exhausting.

But I just kept thinking about how so many of the people who were outraged about not enough fabric were also the same people who support the sexual assaulter in chief who is sitting in the White House congratulating the state of Kansas on Kansas City’s big win. This is the same guy who paid to have sex with a porn star... cheating on his third wife (who was also a soft core porn model) while she took care of his newborn child (Trump himself was also in a soft core porn video). The same guy who was recorded bragging about being so famous that he can kiss anyone he wants to… even saying he can “grab ’em by the pussy.” This is the same guy who boasted to Howard Stern about intentionally barging in on naked teenage girls while they were getting dressed for one of his beauty pageants. The same guy who discounted some of the dozens of sexual assault allegations against him by suggesting the the women were too ugly to sexually assault. Yes… Many of the people who voted for the rapist in the White House — and will probably vote for him again — are worried about the example Shakira’s and J Lo’s outfits and dance moves are setting for our kids.

But they have gotten so used to their own hypocrisy that they can’t even see it anymore. If some famous “liberal elite” had said “Goddamn” during the show, they’d be talking about the downfall of America and blaming prayer in schools… But they don’t care at all that Trump regularly says that same word at his rallies. They get upset and invoke the word “bullying” at Don Lemon laughing and poking fun of what a moron Trump is (and, by proxy, the intelligence of the people supporting him)… But they are fine with the regular attacks and name-calling he makes at anyone who he feels threatened by. They are upset about two Latina women’s midriffs… But the cheerleader’s skimpy outfits are just “good, clean American fun.” It is pure, distilled hypocrisy, and it needs to be called out as such.

So if you want to be upset about seeing too much of J Lo’s amazing 50 year old body during the halftime show, I guess feel free… But you don’t get to do it while defending a man who cheated on all three of his wives — one of whom was among the dozens of women who have credibly accused him of sexual assault. This is a man who talked about dating his own daughter. This is a man who implied his accusers were too ugly to rape. You’re supporting a pussy-grabbing rapist who brags about barging in on naked teenagers… If you’re worried about the downfall of society, supporting a person like Trump should probably be more concerning to you than Shakira’s honest hips or J Lo’s pole dancing.

Now excuse me while I scream into my pillow…

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